~True love is found deep within oneself, true love is earned not given.
Stacey McCoy
Lets talk about True Love today, and how much of it we have in our lives, so I’ll start,
If I am being honest with you all and myself, in my adult life I have not had a relationship that was not co-dependent or abusive in some way, so I have truly never been in love, nor have I truly been loved by anyone. (NOTE: This Does not include Familial Ties). As I look in the mirror and admit this to myself, I saw one of my metaphorical masks fade away. Coming to terms with this truth, with my truth has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. Being honest with oneself is one of the hardest things to do because over time you have allowed your ego to create this false version of yourself to be able to function in a society and environments that require you to be something and someone that you are not. At some point you realized that the world does not want the authentic version of you, because it thrives off of the superficial and the material. Acknowledging and accepting this fact, I continued to stand in front of the mirror gazing at myself and for a moment I swear I did not recognize the woman staring back at me. While I was looking at myself an overwhelming burst of emotion overtook me and tears, began to fall from my eyes, in that moment I understood the amount of time I hade waisted seeking and needing validation from people that in the greater scheme of things truly did not matter, their soul purpose for existing in my life was for them to provide for me what I could not provide for myself at that time witch was validation and a distraction from my true issues and traumas. I can now admit that it was easier dealing with other peoples lives and problems because it did not require tooo much work on my part, or so I thought. When I look back on it all, I spent a great deal of my time and resources on these people because I was okay with the illusion of love and care for me, at this point in my life. As time went on I found that I was becoming exhausted with how much work, care resources and time it was taking for me to keep playing into my delusion of family , lovers and friends that truly loved and cared for me. At some point I began to change and I started spending more time alone, they were calling I was declining, and eventually, they started complaining about how I don’t have time for them or that I don’t help or care for them them the same way I did for another, and then I just started letting people go, and spending time with myself, and with this I even went celibate, and my husband and I split because I realized he was just like the rest only their for himself.
What I then noticed is that society places so much infuses on being in love and having a partner, friends and people to lean on that are outside of you. I mean even some religions teach and encourages you to love their deity first and then yourself. But my question is how can I love anyone or anything if i do not love myself? How do I even know what love is? especially when I have not yet experienced the desire to love, care, cater to and commit to myself in the way that people require you to show them that you love them and are loyal to them.
As I am standing in front of the mirror, I started asking myself, What about the love, care commitment and catering to myself? Why should they be more of a priority to me then myself? why do I allow them to make me feel that they are more important to me than me? What happened to me that makes me seek validation and love outside of myself? Why is it hard for me to validate myself? why am I so co-dependent? why are all of my relationships trauma bonding relationships that are so much like the trauma that caused me to be this way in the first place? Now how do I change? How do I let this version of myself die and the true me be born?
These are the questions that I began asking myself while looking in the mirror. Upon taking the time to sit with myself and journal and answer these question honestly for myself, All I can say is ” the audacity, and the unmitigated gull of people. Also Why is no one teaching self-love, and self-care. Why is it so hard to learn to love yourself before you even think of committing yourself to loving someone outside of yourself? I think I might have an answer to this question.(DISCLAIMER: Before I share my observation I would like to state that, this is solely my opinion, it is not my intention at all to demean or disrespect anyone.) I believe that ego and narcissism have become a necessity for this society to thrive, and the proof is in all of the depression and anxiety of our youth. They rely on, no they feed and exist on the validation of their family, friends, and teachers. look at all of the promoting of, love, being in love, having tons of friends, going on trips, and friends being there for you when you are down and out. They are stuffed with this all day everyday, I know I was I when I was growing up. I truly do not think that this is a sustainable direction of thought, because there will be times in life when it is just you, and what are you going to do when you have no one in your ear to distract you with there life issues or if there is no one there to cheer you on. Are you just going to drop everything because the pre-requisite of outside validation is not being met? at this moment it should click in your mind that you are being pathetic and need to do better. This is the start of rising in love with yourself, that sheer raw moment of honesty with yourself, was like the crash cart sending vaults of electricity to your heart reviving you, bring you back to life.
I believe that true love is found deep within oneself, true love is earned not given. you must be willing to go through the hurricane that exists inside of you. The hurricane is all of the trauma you have suffered, the self-hate, the self-doubt, the lack of self-trust, the lack of self-discipline and the lack of personal accountability. To get to this place of self-love, self-care, trust and inner peace, you must decide to no longer be a victim and stop settling for the bare minimum, you must look yourself in the mirror and reassure and affirm yourself everyday. Rising in love with yourself does not happen over night, please do not misunderstand me, it took a great deal of time and self reflection to get to where I am now. I cried and journaled and stayed to myself to learn myself. Through this process I lost a lot of loved ones, some I let go on my own accord and others let me go, because I no longer was allowing myself to bask in their fake love for me, so that they could use me for what they needed and dismiss me and come back when they needed me again. My rising in love for myself was an inconvenience to them so they wrote me off, and I promise the same will happen to you, things and people that no longer serve you in this stage of your life will simply fall away, and I say let them, it hurts, truly it does but its just how it has to be, because everyone cannot go with you into this new season of self-love, self-care, self-respect and inner peace, they are just not meant to and you must accept that and carry on. Please understand and accept that true love starts and ends with you, you are your own beacon of love, hope, and inner peace. You do not need anyone or anything outside of yourself to give you validation, because you are all the validation you need, no one can replicate the love you have for yourself when you reach this state of mind, and with that your BS meter will be so powerful, the type of people you use to attract will not dare approach you because your energy repels them literally. Trust me its a beautiful thing. Once you realize, accept and acknowledge that you are AMAIZING this the world will be your oyster.
true love is earned, not Given
~Stacey McCoy